By Steven Hymovitch
Emotional intelligence. Researchers Peter Salovey and John Mayer coined the term, and Dan Goleman brought it into the mainstream using it in the titles of his many books on the subject.
And while Salovey, Mayer, and Goleman could give forth long explanations about what exactly emotional intelligence (EI) is, it’s really nothing more than being aware of how our emotions drive our behaviors and how that behavior impacts the people around us. And realizing we can manage those emotions by our (go ahead, say it with me) intelligence, we can also learn how to influence the emotions of the people around us.
This is not some “new agey,” feel-the-vibes concept; it’s human nature at its best. The most effective CEOs learn to cultivate their emotional intelligence. It’s simple to understand (it’s basically growing a better self-awareness and turning on your empathy), although it can take some consideration to execute and apply. But apply it if you want a more harmonious, more productive shop or office, and an overall better work atmosphere. For those in the know, EI wins over IQ every time.
How is an emotionally intelligent work experience better than one without one? And how exactly does one inject this superpower into their workplace?
1. Emotional intelligence closes the gap between data and interpretation
Let’s start with an example. Your boss rushes by you one morning, and although you manage a quick “Good morning,” he doesn’t even manage a passing nod. So now you’re thinking: “Well, I guess it’s true what I thought these past few months. He doesn’t like me, and I’ll be the next to be fired.”
What actually happened was that the bagel-and-cream cheese the big man had for breakfast wasn’t sitting so well, and he was off to an appointment he couldn’t be late for . . . and he never even noticed you!
Psychologist Albert Ellis coined the term “awfulizing,” and we all do this from time to time, assuming the worst in something we are anticipating or when we don’t have enough information (data) to support a substantive conclusion of the facts (interpretation). Across the 10 dental practices I owned, any number of misinterpretations could have been leveled during any number of circumstances, and I was as guilty as anyone else interpreting something incorrectly a time of two.
But by cultivating a more emotionally intelligent point of view we lessen the tendency for thinking negatively, and actually ease the steam off the idea that we are always at the center of things. In realizing there are a multitude of reasons of why we do what we do, we come to recognize that others might just have as many reasons.
2. Emotional intelligence helps you skirt by the “Victim,” “Villain,” and the “Hero”
You may have seen one, two, or all of three of these types ply their manipulations in your daily office interplay. (Although they can exist on their own, the Villain, Victim, and the Hero exist strongest when they are all playing in the same sandbox at the same time.)
But when you are more in tune with your drama, you are quicker to recognize when people around you are slipping into theirs. You’ll be better equipped to thwart this kind of role playing by heading the person off at their own pass: aggressiveness. By confronting the Victim, Villain, or Hero—a coworker or a boss who loves to stir the pot—you stop an emotional bully dead in their tracks.
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3. Emotional intelligence makes you consider more than react
You’ve no doubt heard the old rule of counting to 10? As you grow self-awareness, you’ll find yourself asking ever more frequently, “Why am I feeling this way?” “What’s triggering me right now, and how do I alleviate this negativity?”
Cultivating EI, you will be able to shut down those moments where you begin to spin your wheels in maudlin meandering (and really, who needs a case of the double M’s). You’ll become less reactionary to the many monkey wrenches that can be thrown at you daily . . . beyond your boss running to the bathroom and not acknowledging your hello.
4. You can take both compliments and criticism as intended
The more self-aware you are, the more you will recognize and admit to your weaknesses and strengths and be ready to admit to them when a boss or manager points them out to you. You’ll be more apt to learn from criticism as well as not gloat over praise, which will make you a more agreeable coworker. In almost every situation we can take away a salient point or a lesson. EI helps us recognize this in even the most seemingly negative of moments, like a dressing down from the boss.
5. Growing a healthy emotional intelligence helps take the “you” out of the equation
The more aware you are of your “stuff,” the more you start to realize other people have their “stuff,” and that their “stuff,” is as important to them as yours is to you. This breeds the other building block of EI: empathy. And without empathy, we are not the best we can be: worker, friend, sibling, spouse, you name it.
Like Kevin Costner building his Iowa baseball field, we all have emotional intelligence in us. “If you cultivate it, it will come.” How to do this? Slow down, explore your feelings, meet the day with a more positive outlook, think of others, and when it comes to your work specifically, be happy to be there (and if you are not happy being there, light out for someplace where you can be happy).
Surely, EI won’t solve all your ills, but getting along with people is not rocket science. By maintaining and using emotional intelligence around the office, you will see constant benefits—and it can be very infectious indeed.
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